Date: Tue, 03 Apr 2001 17:39:49 -0500
Subject: My Situation
From: ****
To: <darwin@atheists.net>

Dear Darwin,

I am writing to get your opinion on a situation of mine and my wife's. I am

an American and definitely consider myself an Athiest such as yourself. I

have been married since 1997 to a Filipino. As you probably know, most of

her country is Catholic (Roman Catholic to be exact, which I heard is the

WORST kind). She has known, even before she met me, that "religion was not

my thing", but she doesn't know that I am on the extreme other end of the

spectrum.

With her coming into my life, I wanted to give religion and the Catholic

faith a chance. We have even joined a mostly Filipino fellowship

bible-study-type group called Couples For Christ. Throughout the past year,

and ever more increasingly these days, I have basically given up on the

Catholic faith, and religion in general (in my mind and heart). In other

words, I reinforced my old athiestic feelings about the whole thing.

The reason why it is a concern in my life right now is that - I feel that

religion, or things having to do with it - have been the source of some of

our marriage problems. In other words, because of our religious value

differences, we have had conflicts. The only difference between us, is that

I am open-minded and can tolerate certain things that we see in our everyday

lives, whereas she being very devoted and close-minded, sees many things

here as "wrong" or "sinful" according to her beliefs. She of course, as all

Catholics I'm sure, see THEIR religion as the ONLY RIGHT one. It has

effected our home, social, family, and intimate life to a certain degree.

So, I guess, what I am asking you is, do you see our marriage being able to

survive these differences? Do you think she will "lighten up" and accept

more things that go against her value grain? Is there any reason why I need

to stay involved with Couples For Christ?

I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

Sincerely yours,

****

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

To: ****
From: Darwin Bedford <Darwin@atheists.net>
Subject: Re: My Situation

Sorry, Greg, that I do not have the time to respond to you with my own thoughts on this matter, however, I can offer you this commentary from The Texas Atheist newsletter.

    "The harm of faking faith comes from rebound feelings. There is an emotional cost from going along with believers, pretending their faith is
wonderful, that your doubts and unbelief are non-existent. Faking faith is a kind of intellectual and emotional self-abuse."

                                                 Commentary: Faking Faith

                                                 From: THE TEXAS ATHEIST

                                                    November 30, 1999 # 36
                                              An independent, free e-mail newsletter
                                                     by Howard Thompson
                                             e-mail SUBSCRIBE to gofreemind@aol.com

       The Christmas season challenges non-theists. We can't avoid "Jesus is the reason for the season" signs and all the other Christmas hoopla.

       We may run into government displays of Christian symbols and messages. School students may be faced with Christian activities. Employees
may be faced with office parties, drawing for gifts, and evangelical co-workers all big-eyed to tell you about their "personal savior."

       The build up to Christmas as a national Christian holiday reminds us that we are outsiders. We are outsiders both by our free choice of
rational sanity and the hostility of Christians against unbelievers.

       Family is the toughest for most of us. Fortunately, there are no strong religionists in my immediate family. Holiday meals get eaten just fine
without blessings at our small gatherings. Christian symbols have diminished to near zero in recent years.

       Families with determined fundamentalists are toughest. I get chills reading some of the first person stories. I wish there was some way to
help doubters who have been swallowing their feelings, pasting a smile on their face, and playing "let's pretend Jesus is real" at family gatherings.

       I understand why true feelings are suppressed for faking faith to get along with family. We all sacrifice for family due to our evolved
behaviors. No one wants to cause a tense family situation or upset family members. Many doubters and unbelievers see faking faith as a small
price to pay for family peace.

      The harm of faking faith comes from rebound feelings. There is an emotional cost from going along with believers, pretending their faith is
wonderful, that your doubts and unbelief are non-existent. Faking faith is a kind of intellectual and emotional self-abuse.

       You make the sacrifice for them. You get along with them as they are because they are family. You fake faith and pretend their religious
fantasy are noble and real. You bow your head for their prayers, go to their churches, sing their hymns, and smile over their Jesus stories and
religious fables.

       They make no equivalent sacrifice for you. There is, in fact, the very real risk that some of them might harshly reject the real you, the
doubter and unbeliever, if your mask of fake faith failed and the real you were revealed.

       Faking faith is extreme go-along-to-get-along atheism. You hide what you are, conform to the religious culture, and never live what you
really are. You assume all the emotional burden and cognitive distortions that arise from faking faith. Faking faith makes you a master rationalizer
about going along the dominate Christian culture; but it erodes your real self as years roll by.

       Atheists choose to live somewhere between living openly as an atheist and faking faith. All of our choices have risks and costs. Living openly
exacts its price. Faking faith exacts another price. For me, the price of going along got too high. I finally realized most of my years were gone
with me living other than was right for me.

       I feel better about things as an open atheist and simply pay its price as shit happens. My biggest atheist regret is that I waited so long.
Many of going-along's harms are now permanent within me.

       Good luck to all who trod the faking faith path, its toll is great. May you have no regrets as the one and only life you will ever have runs out
with you faking faith in death so none are disturbed by your unbelief. HT.

                                               These are my sentiments as well --
                                             Darwin Bedford, Spiritual Reality Therapist